Part of your identity dies when a loved ones passes
Part of your identity dies when a loved one passes away. A lot of the nonsense which consumed you daily loses its importance, and only your grief, and that of your family consumes you.
From what I’m experiencing, there are two aspects to the grieving period. It’s not just the grief itself, but the idea that a part of your identity dies when a loved one passes away. When we take on the role of a caregiver, or even, that of the child who is caring for their parent, we take on a new identity, as so much of our time and energy is focused on this task.
This is something most people will go through… the sickness of a loved one. Sometimes this experience is all of a sudden, and sometimes it is a slow march towards the end, as was the case with my father and his cancer diagnosis.
That does not make it easy, especially when processing the emotions, and there are many (often conflicting and intense). There is the hope that as I write this close to his passing, that this will at least offer some insights to the reader when they go through the process themselves.
There is the grief itself
I can state that I probably started the grieving period earlier, when my father had his stroke right before my birthday. I felt a profound sadness, and may have even started on the first aspect of grief then. The denial aspect that the end was close. But then again, we’re still learning so much about the grieving process, and the “5 stages” are not linear, and may not even be the most accurate model to make sense of how we process death.
As something which you go through, while you’re in it, you don’t see the end of it. But you know it will end… this period has not been some overwhelming boom which knocked me off my feet. There have been daily moments of intense sadness, but it’s not been an all-encompassing ever-present feeling.
I had that constant feeling of dread at the end of June after my father suffered two small strokes. I started mourning then as he was not the same person, and while I believe he could understand what we were saying, he clearly suffered from a cognitive decline.
Personally, everyone has their own way of dealing with loss, and I want to embrace this part of life in true Amor Fati style, as it is a defining life experience, then somehow drown it out or numb it. Making a decision to face this fact head on is the first step towards healing, and more importantly, learning the lessons from this experience.
My father, the professor and lecturer, would have wanted us to take some learnings from his passing.
If anything, in death, there is a feeling of subtraction, as this piece in Psychology Today highlights: “But she soon came to understand grief was not just the addition of stress; more importantly, it was a profound subtraction. “It had not really occurred to me that the brain had to adjust to the loss of this person that provides all this comfort and reward, and we have to figure out how to live in the world with that absence.”
There is this feeling that this person is gone, and they are not coming back. But as this article notes “Learning to live with the absence is the most primal lesson in the Grief 101 curriculum.”
The death of an identity
For close to two years, I spent a lot of time taking care of my father, and trying to juggle running a business with a varying degree of success.
But when you are a caregiver, your whole identity is that of taking care of someone else… and honestly, since the pandemic began, in March 2020, I felt that my life was not my own. I understand now, that at some points in our lives we give of ourselves, but it’s not like I didn’t take care of myself (physical and mental health), it’s just that my father’s well-being was my priority.
This is nothing new after all, we put on roles (and masks) with the different people we interact with on a daily basis (both in-person and online). Whether it’s at work, with family, with our friends, or our romantic relationships. But life changes, and so do our roles, and how we see ourselves in those roles (who hasn’t felt a sense of disappointment with oneself when having to act fake in order to play a role).
Though not traditional roles for men to take, I was a caregiver. And I learned patience and to be more empathetic; for a hard-driver type A personality it was a humbling experience. But that was a lesson which passed, as when my father passed away earlier this month, this identity (which admittedly I took on, not without some internal conflict), died as well.
Whether or not we choose a role, or life’s challenges force us to step into the arena and fight, we can’t help the fact that the new identity becomes a part of us. I’ve read there is also a connection between ego/identity death, and real physical death, but I believe often times that’s self-inflicted when someone ties so much of their identity to outside factors which ultimately can’t be controlled (i.e., their job, status, wealth, etc.).
But for someone with a healthy sense of self, and the understanding that identity is malleable, it’s just something you can move past.
The emotional toll of taking care of my father, coupled with all the logistics (and paperwork involved) exhausted me more than anything else. But that is also something the body can recover from.
Right now, in moving through the grieving process, for me it’s the stress of “what’s next” in my life… mostly professional, but also personally. That’s part of a function of my personality, but I also think we look to fill that void with a plan (whether or not it’s something actually well thought out).
It’s almost like one identity of ours has died, and we grasp to find another one to take its place… but there is a grieving process associated with that (albeit accelerated and less traumatic), and often times we don’t need to jump into the next thing.
At times like this we need to be kind with ourselves. But it’s not a small feat when so much mental effort is put into taking care of someone, and there is the need for a decompression period.
There are some times in life, that it’s OK to delay making any big decisions.
The way forward
The way forward is always through. My father would be proud that I’m paraphrasing Hannibal, but it’s true. Through the grieving process in understanding that my father is no longer with us. Through the uncertainty of what will come next.
But going through this period, and fully embracing it will also unlock aspects of myself I didn’t experience yet. In looking back at the time with my father, I do not regret anything. The time I spent taking care of him, I’ll not only cherish, but I suspect holds clues that will further unlock potential when future challenges arise.
It’s important to go through this process, and while deeply sad, it is necessary. In experiencing life, going through grieving and processing trauma, gets you closer to the truth. I always thought the truth was about self-actualization, and better understanding one’s self, but in this case it’s about love.
The love my father had for his family, and the love we had for him, that we would have sacrificed so much more in order to take care of him, if needed to.
I think death, especially being close to it for an extended period, offers us a rare chance to appreciate what we have. We also see and connect with others we care about. But my wish, and really my goal moving forward, and this is the hardest thing, is to not get caught up in the nonsense we deal with every day. That and not hesitating to take action when an opportunity presents itself.
Going through this trauma is a reminder that we need to focus on strengthening our relationships with our friends and family.
There is so much in our culture about this idea of death being a reminder of what life is. In the tech and self-development circles I am in, you see the concept of Memento Mori posted often in memes. But suffering a deep loss, and having to process the fact that this person you loved is no longer with you, is something that is difficult to wrap your head around.
But contemplating death can be freeing, as you act without the limitations of the crowd. You’re not a slave to the inner fears we all let dictate our lives, and the small world we box ourselves into.
But imagine a world, where you are truly not concerned by the fear of transient ideas (in other’s minds) … of people’s judgments and of possible failure. While a loved one’s death may free them of this world, the death of the identity you had with them also passes, freeing you to now take truly unencumbered action.
And in taking that action, and honoring their spirit, you’re making your loved one proud.
Thinking about my father, and his legacy, I do feel his blood running through my veins driving me to take action. I feel inspired by his life, and how I look to live my life moving forward, with the thrill of crafting a new identity which would make him proud.
