5 Lessons I Learned Since My Last Birthday

Another year, and one which has felt like a lifetime.

The year since my last birthday has been one of the most challenging ones. As far as personal growth goes during this year, only time will tell what kind of changes took place within me due to the challenges I overcame during the last 12 months.

It is part of the human condition to struggle every day, to experience pain in the moment… and not go running to your smartphone to escape a difficult or overwhelming feeling.

When I think about a term like Amor Fati, not just accepting, but loving, going through challenging times, this year is what I think about.

This has been an exceptionally frustrating year, and I can’t state that it is fulfilling yet, but that if I didn’t make the decision to take care of my father, then I would regret it my whole life. Reflecting on the idea that personal fulfilment should be a goal makes it sound selfish, but during times when you’re being of service to someone else, it may not feel like you’re contributing when you’re in the thick of it.

But you are.

Immediate fulfillment is not the goal, executing against your highest value is. Which is why writing down one’s experiences in reflection is so important.

I write in the hope that readers will identify some of their personal experiences in this writing, and learn something about how they deal with adversity, to uncover more about themselves. All this with the goal of living a better life.

No decision is easy, even if it’s something you know you should do…

No decision is easy, even when you know that it’s important.

When I made the decision since my last birthday to leave Israel, it was not easy, but I knew that I had to help take care of my father, and while I knew what needed to be done, I still felt conflicted… and looked for a middle ground.

When we make difficult decisions, the kind we need to make with our gut, we understand that if we didn’t make that decision, we would be violating our personal values. But that does not make it easy, and there is always a tinge of regret.

This is something I struggled with, and I tried to change people around me to help accommodate my decision, but that did not happen. But we all know the answer, we can’t control other people… all we really have control over are our own decisions.

Your environment will work against you, you need to be aware of that

People really don’t change, you won’t change them, despite the most logical argument, and you just need to accept that reality. Along with the fact that who is around you impacts your behavior.

As I’ve been a (high-performing) caregiver for the past year or so, spending time at home I started to understand why people behave in certain ways in different environments. A great book by Dr. Benjamin Hardy called Willpower Doesn’t Work helped me navigate why I gravitated to certain behaviors at home.

Spending a lot of time in that environment, I feel like I have regressed (I haven’t), but it is difficult for an adult to see a parent in a tough situation, and how the caring roles are reversed.

It’s like the quote by spiritual teacher Ram Dass “if you think you’re enlightened go spend a week with your family”, there is something to be noted about replaying the role of the child, even when caring for a parent.

Constantly facing small adversities makes you more resilient, but up to a point

I manage stress through my body through intense weight training, as it gives me control over my inner world. Working out, along with cold showers, adds another way that you push yourself daily and build resilience.

Sometimes however that is not enough, and you’re going to have to dig deep inside to find courage.

I remember listening to writer David Brooks’ book The Road to Character, where he spoke about the depths of pain, and when you feel you have hit a floor, you crash through another floor. This is how I felt during this year of taking care of my father, and that while facing all the small adversaries have made me tougher, at times I had to draw strength from deep inside me.

Longer term, will this make me a stronger person? Perhaps, but that’s not my goal, and those character traits can only be judged as time passes. There are always scars from the battle, and we hope they’re just not visible.

Physical space = mental space

Out of sight, out of mind really does impact how you view the severity of a situation.

When you are physically away from a challenging situation, the emotions involved in dealing with it feel more manageable. When you have to deal with something difficult in person, you are flooded with difficult emotions which you have to process.

With that, I still believe for our humanity we need to see those difficult things. You need to face them because often it’s the right thing to do, but also because the alternative is running away, and that let’s fear dictate your life.

I’m not a naturally empathetic person… but I learned to be one

We all think we are empathetic, kind, and patient, i.e., have the virtues of a saint. But the reality is that many of us do not.

The good news is that we can learn to become more empathetic. We can change when the situation calls for it, as I have attempted (sometimes unsuccessfully) to do so. Even though over the last few weeks I’ve been a lot less patient, when I do falter, I am kind with myself.

Everyone is going through something. My wish on this birthday is that one of the lessons I learned can help you in your struggle, whether it be so bold as to seek to self-actualize, or just be a little bit better at the end of the day.